After a series of cases where people searched for their lost objects; taking up the time of other residents and the police for hours, the mayor of this local town announced a bill that would force these individuals to either strip or cut their pockets off.

The motivation and wishful thinking behind this bill exist due to the fact that the majority of these lost object cases happen when said object was forgotten on their person, the most likely container of which should be their pockets. This is just not the case, people get stuff lodged in their own orifices (holes into your body) all the time, and any prideless doctor will tell you the same. The prideful doctors will lie in an attempt to make their job seem more fulfilling and intriguing than it actually is.

Tommy was only 14 when he lost his winning lottery ticket. The town in an effort to help him went out to search for it. Tommy said, “It’s out there somewhere, I know it.” After 5 hours of searching, an adult asked Tommy to check his pockets, and he started sweating profusely.

It was clear that the gears were turning in his head, but he’s a complete and utter idiot, so he couldn’t think of anything. He quickly changed courses and complied, scanning his pockets and producing a lottery ticket. As he took out the ticket with one hand, however, he used his other hand to smear ink all over and ripped it. But, he missed the lottery number, so all he did was look like a moron. He blamed it on being nervous and clumsy. Everyone agreed, “I mean, like, chuckles, it’s Tommy we’re talking about.”

The ticket Tommy had was not the winning number, and Tommy’s winning ticket was never found. Though something worth noting is that Tommy was only ever recorded buying one ticket, and that Tommy’s solution to avoid a misunderstanding was to smear ink all over the lottery ticket and rip it. I think something might be up with that one.

Breaking News: We almost managed to get an interview with Tommy, but he started booking it when he saw us. Tommy, we know where you live. All it took was your grandmother and 10 bucks.

Sincia was thirty when she lost her child. She filed a missing person’s report and it was weeks before she got an answer. Yikers.

    It was found that Sincia’s child was undocumented. Upon further analysis, it turned out that Sincia was undocumented as well, and that she didn’t have any kids—she was instead three months enceinte. The immense stress and pressure to make enough from part-time jobs to provide for her family and her upcoming child, as well as trying to create a livelihood as an undocumented immigrant, put her over the edge into psychosis.

Instead of providing help, Sincia was instead deported to a country no one knew how to spell. The neighbourhood was quiet, except for one man who shouted, verbatim, “YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOMS, IMMIGRANT,” as Sincia was forced to board a plane to her politically unstable home country with prospects of diminished opportunities, if not destitution. The man is now a city councillor.

More importantly, it was concluded the unborn child was not found due to the clothing worn by Sincia, obscuring the usual physical signs one associates with gestation.

This bill, if passed, will undoubtedly redefine search and rescue operations for generations to come. It’s incredible to live in such a progressive world.
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What’s new on the new news that came out just today that’s how new it is:

An outspoken man says instead of paying and caring for turtles in wildlife shelters, we should simply “Put them in the sewers in groups of four.”

Humanitarian crises affect at least one billion people currently, meaning Ukraine must’ve had its population multiply by 23 times undocumentedly.

Man faces internal conflict after picking up a coin only for the coin’s owner to show up moments later and ask if he’s seen it.

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Photo: Lenka Bartušková on Pixabay.com