Everyone has that one person, or maybe more than one… who are we kidding here lots of people, who get on their first nerve right off the bat so that they don’t even stick around to see what their last nerve will do. Instead they go and talk the most shit ever. Yep everyone has that person, don’t you try and deny it, don’t you pretend like you don’t and don’t you judge me. Not everyone, though, is as seasoned and savvy in the art of shittalking as myself. I’ll let you all in on a few secrets about it shall I?

There are a few rules in talking shit that must be followed very, very carefully. No, I don’t think you understand. VERY, VERY carefully.

–       Rule number 1: If you feel it necessary to document the shit coming out of you through text, always remember to delete the evidence.

–       Rule number 2: If you are texting as mentioned above, make sure you can trust the textee. If this shit is spread there will be shit. You will be in deep shit.

–       Rule number 3: In said texts, be careful as to the extent of the shit being talked. And be very aware that the delete button and the send button are only one button away from each other.

–       Rule number 4: When you hear a piece of shit, stow it away for an appropriate time. It is for example, totes innapropes to spread shit at a serious function, in front of parents, in front of the person the shit is being talked about, or in front of their close friends.

–       Rule number 5 (an extension of rule 4): If shit gets out in any of the above situations, turn your back, walk briskly away, and if questioned about your involvement, deny it and blame it on someone else you do not enjoy.

–       Rule number 6: Don’t you worry about spreading anything. People should know by now that anything they say to you will for sure be discussed with your shittalking buddy. (always have one of these handy they are key. Otherwise you just look like a moron sitting around muttering to yourself.)

BUT BEWARE! When you talk with a potty mouth, there may be consequences. And they could be dire. Be prepared to be a hard ass, deny any accusations, and potentially lose all your friends save the shittalking buddy. If you don’t think you can live that way, well then I’m disappointed, I guess you can never be the shittalking expert that I am.