It is indisputably the “ jolliest time of the year”. As the snow starts to fall, it becomes the season when nature has decided to soft-block you from making new friends. A true tragedy.

This holiday season specifically is one fully rid of the virusTM. (Apparently last year some greek guy caused some problems.) It’s at this point when your deplorable little figure pops in with a plot as potbellied as Mr Claus himself.

There are a couple of vectors to ruin the holidays:

  • Children are the easiest to dispirit. Tell them that Santa Claus is dead, as well as the fact that they’re going to grow up in a world characterized by catastrophic global warming, and they act like the world is over. Well I mean it kind of is, but like, it is what it is.
  • Everyone else is pretty simple but just slightly more demanding to abrade. Just keep interrupting whatever they’re doing with tasks ranging from somewhat understandable to downright moronic.

But what’s the easiest way to suck the life out of what would be a good time? One just has to seem generally displeased with everything everywhere all at the same time.

To extend this point: Complain constantly. Don’t be happy. If anything you’ve done brings happiness it is surely not attending these insignificant, juvenile festivities. They don’t warrant your amusement.

It’s deplorable, pitiful even; such events’ asininity should fill your bones with self-consuming hatred.

Be vocal about your displeasure, you deserve to be heard. If you aren’t having fun, then whatever you’re doing is simply not fun. The world needs to hear this.

So how do you ruin this holiday season? Have a bad time, and make sure no one forgets.

Coming up next:

  • The History Channel says that there is a non-zero probability that zombies, ghouls, and other forms of the undead built the pyramids.
  • Thousands of Spotify users leave the platform after being “disappointed” with their 2022 Wrapped
  • Blood banks are once again assuring light-headed patients that “They are not committing, nor have ever committed blood magic, blood rituals, blood rites, or extortion.”
  • Christmas came so early you missed it. We hope to see you again next year.

Photo: Jessica Lewis Creative on Edits by Sarah Li.