Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it’s going to be like every other February 14th. Sad and alone. Though you might be hoping that this year will be different, let’s be real. Here’s a look at the facts:

  • You are sad
  • You are alone
  • You put cereal before milk
  • You get absolutely zero play
  • You rely on Grammarly
  • You write down 2021 for the date
  • You are sad
  • You procrastinated half your summatives
  • You have never completely used up a pencil or pen*

*You’re a god if you have

 

Though it might not look that bad, boyyyyyy are you stupid, it is. The facts however do not give a complete picture as to *why* you would mess up this romantic day. The following is a shortlist of 13 comprehensive reasons for your downfall.

 

  1. You are not Funny
    It is statistically proven, according to my anecdotal evidence, that no one is funny. The same evidence also entertains the theory that everyone is blinded by my supremacy.
  2. The Chances you Hit it off with Someone on Valentine’s Day is Nonexistent
    While this mostly panders to those who are single, it is my knowledge that the majority of suckers students are single. Valentine’s day is not going to change people’s long-held pitiful views about you, but it could slip their standards down a single notch.
  3. Your Expectations Ruin Everything
    If you go into Valentine’s Day thinking it’s going to be perfect then I suggest you stop reading, because you’re like my friend, a special kind of stupid. Though for him it’s just that he thinks he can use reddit and still have a functional social life.
  4. You can’t sing
    I can’t sing.
  5. You can’t dance
    Only 1% of the population can dance I swear.
  6. Good times in Advance Cost Bank
    Money can’t buy happiness but it can sure buy the good stuff. If you went to a restaurant, the food’s going to be at the very least decent or half-decent. You might not have a good time, but on the bright side, if the food kills you, you get a refund. If you went cheap you gotta know that the main event is probably going to be you. That’s well… Yikes.
  7. Please Just Take it Slow
    Don’t make it weird. Stubbornness or refusing to be rejected is literally an AOE cast of embarrassment. How the hell am I going to respond to someone who is a walking rock?
  8. Accidentally Watch Anime and Forget About Plans
    Your ideals would be on the screen, what more can I say.
  9. Covid
    What do you mean of course there’s still going to be Covid on Valentine’s day. Moses isn’t about to part the pandemic like the red sea. Shut up, I didn’t jinx it. ⏬
  10. Your Friends have Friends and Dates
    No backup plan. Depends on if you have friends or not I guess. Even if your friends aren’t going out, the sadness from hanging out with your friends on Valentine’s Day would be something else.
  11. Palms are heavy, Knees weak, Arms are sweaty. There’s vomit on his sweater already. Moms Sweater.
    Anxiety is the biggest baddy in town. 💀Will beat you up and rip you a new one if you aren’t careful. It’s a real mental illness so find those who can support you because there are people who will help. Use Protection.
  12. Big L Events
    Who knows, maybe Lake Ontario is actually hiding the original Micheal Myers and as a fan, you get an autograph of him before tripping on a busy street corner and dying. Maybe a helicopter is going to crash into you when you’re looking both ways to cross the street.
    Oops, what if I hypothetically carpet bomb a mine in Alberta as an experiment only for the Lorax to start a civil war causing the restaurant you planned to go to shut down, thus…? ruining your Valentine plans.
  13. Miscommunication
    Most of the plans we’ve had that have gone wrong in our lives are usually due to miscommunication, Valentine’s day is no different. We have many pop culture examples and standards in our head about Valentine’s day, such that it’s easy to fall prey to them, forgetting to provide much substance as our own unique individuals (Source, less).

Valentine’s day is not a day that will end up great, but a day that has the potential to be great. Sweat your ass off not to plan out the day but be a functional human being. Borderline impossible? Lol probably. Feelings are transmissible like Omicron so enjoy yourself I guess 😕.

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News posts for that big monitor at the hospital

A large amount of people celebrated 2022 in 2021 for no apparent reason

Sigma variant is taking its sweet time to dominate the world

Doug Ford single-handedly screwed all of Ontario by giving them a new reason not to exercise this year

China reportedly banned Google, not for censorship issues, but to stop constant “Happy New Year” and “Merry Christmas” messages.

Boy got Dee’s nuts as his families way of telling him he was “balling this year”

Somewhere in Afro-Indo-Eurasia-Ameriarctic, someone died thirty seconds ago

Showing spider man Google Maps so he can find his way home.


Photo: call me hangry on Unsplash.com