To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to express my strong interest in the position of your love. I was informed of this position by my heart as well as yours (I have a remarkable sense of hearing, and the heart speaks volumes). I believe that my experience as me makes me the ideal candidate for this role.
As a frequent crier, I know exactly what to do in the rare case that you feel even the slightest bit melancholy. Even if you’re crying about your ex, I’m down to cry with you! Tell me about that malicious, whoring, feebleminded, impenetrably heartless woman (or man, I won’t discriminate here). Dating me is also excellent for your self-esteem. Since I don’t filter the rubbish that comes out of my mouth, you will appear smarter and more sensitive in comparison. This is important because your self-esteem is like a plant that requires water and the sun. That’s me—I’m the sun. Without me, there is darkness. Death. Nothingness.
I carry a variety of useful things like scissors and duct tape at all times. I don’t usually carry pads, though. Sorry, girls. Speaking of sanitary products, I have very good personal hygiene—in fact, it even verges on mysophobia. If I seem physically evasive, I encourage you not to take it personally. The one exception is if I want to punch you. I like to think that I have the capacity to beat people up—when I beat people up in my head, it goes extraordinarily well. I have yet to actually try, but if you have beef with someone, just hit me up. Then I’ll hit them up (literally, though).
Furthermore, I write mediocre Instapoetry that’s so vague that everyone (and I mean everyone) relates. That’s right! I’m the next Rupi Kaur—one day you’ll be able to brag that you were my muse. I’m kidding. Don’t attack me, Rupi Kaur fans. You’d injure yourselves trying.
Most importantly, you can add me as a friend on Animal Crossing. My ID is 2527 6449 974 and yes, that’s me with the wild pink hair. And though it includes no livestock, my dowry is ample and more than compensates for my idiosyncrasies.
Please see the attached resume for more information and my ex references (though I can’t guarantee responses from malicious, whoring, feebleminded, and impenetrably heartless people who leave my 3am rhapsodies on read). Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.